What we see when we look at ourselves (Pt. 2)
A deep dive into into why I have always preferred being behind the camera and why I am trying to change that
Hi!
This is the second part of a ‘super-long’ post, so I will not be offended if you decide to skip this, or would prefer lighter relief elsewhere!
But ICYMI - here is a link to last week’s mammoth piece:
The pursuit of beauty
It would easy to place all the blame about my appearance-related insecurities on the magazines that I consumed during my formative years. I mean, why not? After spending a small fortune on these, I wanted some payback! I was doing as much as I could (and afford to) in my attempts to emulate the models I saw. But this would only form part of the story. Plus, try telling the Sarah of the 90s (in her very absorbed and mostly white, teenage world) that the pursuit of beauty perfection was a fool’s errand.
But this pursuit is nothing new. Several thousand years ago, Plato was grappling with understanding the construct of beauty, but ultimately believed this pursuit was “an exploration of what is good”, through the harmony of different elements. On the other hand, Aristotle proposed that beauty derived from symmetry and proportion.
Despite some of their differences about the topic, both Plato and Aristotle’s perspectives of beauty are still relevant. In individualistic cultures in the West such as the US and Europe, female beauty standards emphasise youth, a symmetrical face and thinness. But in a perverse interpretation, it is interesting to see what happens to those who don’t meet these standards. This recent article from the BBC demonstrates the power of what is portrayed as the slim = good messaging after women described their experiences of taking weight-loss drugs such as Wegovy. Some of the contributors went from “feeling invisible” to noticing people becoming friendlier to them in public once they were slimmer.
Clearly, not all cultures around the world hold the same female beauty standards. For instance, collectivist cultures such as communities in areas of Africa and Asia are more likely to emphasis signs of fertility (i.e., wide hips and a small waist) and womanhood as a sign of beauty.
So, what I am saying here is that it isn’t the magazines fault for my teenage insecurities. This is not to absolve their impact entirely. They just formed part of a network of mini-influencers that offered a functional but persuasive pact that subtly shifted my thinking and behaviour.
Plus, there was some choice on my part, too. I ‘bought in’ to the Western beauty standards and made the decision to spend money on the magazines. I used my time to consciously imitate the behaviours presented, e.g., purchasing products with the hope that these would improve my hair/skin/dress-sense/whatever. I could have done something differently with my money like save it, and in hindsight, this may have been a wiser financial decision, as well as resulting in less anxiety about my appearance!
Acting the clown
Back to teeth.
It’s the late 90s and these have been fixed! No chipped bits courtesy of fillings and the retainer had pushed my two front teeth together.
But as I highlighted in the last post, I still didn’t like my smile and hated being photographed. Yet the advent of the smartphone led to some surprising changes in my mindset about both of these things.
The increasing ubiquitousness of phones meant that I had fewer places to hide, especially when out with friends. So, what to do?
Well, the easiest thing was to play the clown and I started to pull silly faces and poses whenever a camera was produced. Now, I started to actively take the piss out of myself and I found that I could finally look at an image and feel some mild affection for the person looking back at me rather than cringing.
However, because I played the clown so frequently there were occasions when I was unable to take having my photo seriously, like with images for work. Now, I was all teeth aka Chandler from Friends when he had his engagement photos taken with Monica!
‘Instagram Face’
Despite the proliferation of smartphones, there was a delay in the quality of images that the camera created, and the way in which we would deal with people posting everything and anything on social media. We would have to wait a few more years when this changed with the introduction of platforms like Facebook.
Before I closed my Facebook account earlier this year, I scrolled through all of my photos. The first image I posted was dated from 2007 using my then flip-phone. I am sat with a friend in what appears to be bar, and the image is a blurry, pixelated mess. My friend has a broad smile on her face, while I could be grinning or grimacing, although the poor quality makes it difficult to tell. However, given the context of this post and the time period, I am inclined to believe that the latter is the likelier of the two.
Since 2007, the technology in smartphones and with social media has evolved considerably. For example, many researchers argue that there are clear benefits to how social media has broadened our perceptions of beauty and increased diversity within the beauty/fashion industry.
Having said that, these platforms provide us an abundance of imagery to compare ourselves against. But much of the imagery presented still values predominantly Western beauty standards described previously: youth, symmetry and thinness. And there are technological features that support this, such as the ability to curate our self-image online, and the increase in filters and applications like FaceTune.
And there are consequences to what appears to a trend of homogenising (female) beauty standards. For instance, some researchers argue that this careful curation of our selves on social media, and the growth of filters/apps has led to a distorted version of what beauty looks like resulting in a similar looking face, characterised by:
“…poreless skin and plump, high cheekbones. It has catlike eyes and long, cartoonish lashes; it has a small neat nose and full, lush lips”.
We have a phrase to describe this look: ‘Instagram Face’, something that I first saw discussed by Jia Tolentino in The New Yorker in 2019.
This quest for beauty perfection is certainly not isolated to Instagram. But the platform was pivotal in capturing and modelling certain behaviours/looks that lend themselves to greater levels of social comparison that could result in distorted thinking and poorer mental health.
And as a side-note, although Tolentino doesn’t mention teeth in her article, it’s implied that these are perfect too, right?
You can’t have poreless skin, full lips, and then a set of gnarly teeth. The intended image would not be complete.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that these apps/filters are all bad. Why not make a simple adjustment to an image to improve the light in a photo, or use a blurring effect to smooth the skin in a video call? (I do). Plus, there’s a lot of fun to be had by adding rabbit ears or a cat face to our image (even if this was by accident).
Defining beauty on our own terms
When I first developed an interest in photography a decade ago, I quickly found that being behind the camera was one of my happy places.
Yet I didn’t make a connection between my desire to hide from being in photos and hiding behind the camera until recently. This thinking was first triggered because I have been trying (and mostly failing) to organise the thousands of digital photos that I have accumulated across multiple cloud platforms and hard-drives. And I realised that while I was going through some of the folders that I am drawn to portraiture. I love faces! I love what we physically see in an image; the hair styles; the wrinkles; and, if on show, the teeth and smile. But the true beauty is found from the character of the person in the image and the emotions that can be expressed in just a glance.
I truly believe that all of the faces that I have photographed are uniquely beautiful, but you could argue that few of them meet the conventional (Western) beauty standards.
Another thing that ‘triggered’ my thinking about my place behind and in front of the camera was seeing headlines like this:
And like Wood as someone who was in a similar position, I can confirm that the bullying sucked! The taunts that I received as a teenager about my teeth largely contributed to my sense of feeling ugly. Unfortunately, unlike Wood, I felt that I had to change myself to fit in (and to stop the bullying!).
And yet, I confess that when I first saw Wood in the Netflix series ‘Sex Education’ a few years ago one of my thoughts was: Ah, she will probably get her teeth done soon enough.
There it was: my mind voicing decades of internalised beauty norms. And this is despite my own experiences!
Wood is beautiful and a funny and charismatic actor, but because she has eschewed some of society’s calls and “proudly refuses to get veneers or Botox”, this particular article has to lead with her unconventional appearance.
Some final thoughts
Despite everything I have said here, I am still not comfortable in front of the camera. I am either all teeth or feel like I am gurning1.
Having said that, I am far better at having my photo taken than I was. Of course, this is just as I begin to notice the wrinkles and crows feet, as well as the greying hair!
Yet it is with all these physical changes that come with aging, and feeling inspired by individuals who don’t buy into all of the conventional beauty standards, that has caused me to reflect on the years spent trying to chase the impossibility of it all.
Every few years one of my fillings will fall off and so I have it replaced. This can happen when I have bitten into something hard (as a rule, I avoid biting into food using my front teeth), or it’s a result of the natural breakdown of the filling material itself. There is no permanent fix for my teeth just as there is nothing constant about the view I hold of myself. I will continue to be a work in progress, but aging helps with giving fewer fucks to the more chaotic parts of my mind.
Perhaps there will come a point when I couldn’t care less about my chipped teeth, and looking like I’ve been in a bar fight. At some point, I might want to look like I’ve been in one! And maybe then, I will be at my happiest in front of the camera.
Hi, I’m Sarah! The Best of Intentions is an independent publication about life in Hong Kong, work, travel, culture, health/fitness, photography, along with a sprinkle of psychology. If you like this post, consider liking or sharing it. If you are a regular reader please consider subscribing to receive updates and support my writing.
If you are unfamiliar with this, I dare you to search for it online.
There's a lot to relate to from the obsession with women's magazines to making funny faces in front of the camera to compensate insecurities. I'm also NOT photogenic. It didn't take me long to realize that some folks know how to take a picture and/or are willing to take many shots to get the look they want. I'm neither.
But one of the things I realized as I hit midlife and beyond is it's wayyyy tougher getting older for folks who are known for their beauty. So I understand those celebs who panic for Botox and whatever they can get their hands on. And then you realize, when you were younger, you weren't nearly as horrible looking as you once thought!
"I will continue to be a work in progress, but aging helps with giving fewer fucks to the more chaotic parts of my mind." Amen! I think there comes a point when we realize trying to offset the cosmetic effects of aging is an uphill battle...which we will ultimately lose. Embracing it, once we are brave enough, is far easier and fun.