One of the challenges I find when reading personal essay (and looking for good reads online) is the unsolicited advice that seems to go hand in hand with sharing a story. And hey, I'm all for learning and growing and striving, but I don't want to be led along, nor told to do this or that.
At the same time, when talking to my husband, I'm very much aware of when I say, "You should ...."
Advice seems to just spill out of us whether we want it or not. Sometimes, I have to remind myself to ask, "Do you need me to just listen or do you want my advice?"
Sometimes I wonder if the advice-giver is just looking for validation for themselves. Certainly for me, when I first left my previous teaching role, some of the those who were eager to offer me unsolicited advice about work were then quick to turn the conversation to themselves (If I left my current job, this is what I would do....).
And I agree in that advice does spill out of us whether we it or not. I am trying, not always successfully, to simply be curious. It's interesting how responding to unsolicited advice with something like: Why do you think/say that? can go a long way in making people stop and think.
This is so relatable, Sarah! I have had reactions like this to things people have said. And you're right that most people do care. I would add that offering advice is almost reflexive for most of us. Our brains are built to solve puzzles and problems, to search for solutions. Obviously therapists are qualified on many levels, but part of their training is actually learning to listen. I would venture a guess that it's cultural as well. Silence/listening might be valued more in other cultures. I'm glad time has helped and yes, when you take it all in stride, at some point it becomes easy to just roll your eyes (to yourself!😂) and move on.
I hadn’t thought of it like that in terms of puzzle solving, but you’re so right. And believing that what we are saying is helpful is often an intuitive response and perhaps we put ourselves in their shoes and imagine ourselves in their situation.
On the one hand, I am aware of how most people will immediately jump the gun and start offering advice when they hear someone else's problems without spending enough time listening and understanding the bigger context; on the other hand, I caught myself at times when I do the same thing and even doubt myself with the advice I should have given to the people that I do know and love when they are craving for some help and different perspectives. How do you learn to trust your intuition that it's time to stay silence, and when it's actually the right time to tell a few words?
Such a good question. As you highlight, I agree that intuition plays a role in understanding when to say something and when to stay silent. However, in some respects, we are probably repeating/revisiting things that we learned/observed growing up (blame the parents, right? 😄). That said, and despite everything I said in this post, I also catch myself offering advice to others too! And still more often than I would like. But I guess the key is noticing it (and I mean the collective you here, not you personally); who are you more likely to do this with? Why them? Are there any particular topics that draw this response?
I think that work is a common topic for people to offer unsolicited advice because most of us have various work-related stories that we can impart.
important questions you have raised here: who are you more likely to do this with? I would say mainly my family and close friends. I would dare not to even think about giving anything close to an advice to someone I just met, or colleagues that I don't really know much about their lives.
when it comes to work, while each sector could have very different context, the human side of things will likely have common patterns we can find across the board.
btw, is there an occasion that you have offered advice to others but you rather not had done so?
(if there is only one unsolicited advice i could give, it would be to focus on what you have control over no matter what situation you are in. )
I think that for many topics (e.g., work, family, friends) there are patterns of behaviour that we may or may not be able to relate to. Either way, we may feel that have something to offer to a conversation and this can lead to giving advice. And to answer your question of whether I have ever given advice and realised that I had rather not done so - yes. The first thing that comes to mind is related to students and in teaching. There are, obviously lots of different factors at play in a teaching setting, but there are have been plenty of occasions when I have given advice to a student when it would have been more appropriate just to listen. How about you?
It's hard to give people advice, even when you truly know what's best for them. Why can't you just accept that other people have a much better idea of what you should be doing than you do? 😜 Kidding of course. All the therapy will be done by chatgpt soon anyway, so you're better off avoiding it.
Haha yes! I do have a better idea of what you should be doing - that is certainly what runs through my mind on occasion when chatting to people 🤣
I saw some data the other day in the news that indicated that more people are using AI for friendship and for seeking therapy than for anything else right now (not sure where the sample was from or who collated it). And while I can see some of the merits of an AI therapist in a triage sense, but I am skeptical about whether it could replace humans. I am here to be proven wrong!
One of the challenges I find when reading personal essay (and looking for good reads online) is the unsolicited advice that seems to go hand in hand with sharing a story. And hey, I'm all for learning and growing and striving, but I don't want to be led along, nor told to do this or that.
At the same time, when talking to my husband, I'm very much aware of when I say, "You should ...."
Advice seems to just spill out of us whether we want it or not. Sometimes, I have to remind myself to ask, "Do you need me to just listen or do you want my advice?"
Sometimes I wonder if the advice-giver is just looking for validation for themselves. Certainly for me, when I first left my previous teaching role, some of the those who were eager to offer me unsolicited advice about work were then quick to turn the conversation to themselves (If I left my current job, this is what I would do....).
And I agree in that advice does spill out of us whether we it or not. I am trying, not always successfully, to simply be curious. It's interesting how responding to unsolicited advice with something like: Why do you think/say that? can go a long way in making people stop and think.
This is so relatable, Sarah! I have had reactions like this to things people have said. And you're right that most people do care. I would add that offering advice is almost reflexive for most of us. Our brains are built to solve puzzles and problems, to search for solutions. Obviously therapists are qualified on many levels, but part of their training is actually learning to listen. I would venture a guess that it's cultural as well. Silence/listening might be valued more in other cultures. I'm glad time has helped and yes, when you take it all in stride, at some point it becomes easy to just roll your eyes (to yourself!😂) and move on.
I hadn’t thought of it like that in terms of puzzle solving, but you’re so right. And believing that what we are saying is helpful is often an intuitive response and perhaps we put ourselves in their shoes and imagine ourselves in their situation.
Thanks for reading, Maria!
On the one hand, I am aware of how most people will immediately jump the gun and start offering advice when they hear someone else's problems without spending enough time listening and understanding the bigger context; on the other hand, I caught myself at times when I do the same thing and even doubt myself with the advice I should have given to the people that I do know and love when they are craving for some help and different perspectives. How do you learn to trust your intuition that it's time to stay silence, and when it's actually the right time to tell a few words?
Hi Franco,
Such a good question. As you highlight, I agree that intuition plays a role in understanding when to say something and when to stay silent. However, in some respects, we are probably repeating/revisiting things that we learned/observed growing up (blame the parents, right? 😄). That said, and despite everything I said in this post, I also catch myself offering advice to others too! And still more often than I would like. But I guess the key is noticing it (and I mean the collective you here, not you personally); who are you more likely to do this with? Why them? Are there any particular topics that draw this response?
I think that work is a common topic for people to offer unsolicited advice because most of us have various work-related stories that we can impart.
important questions you have raised here: who are you more likely to do this with? I would say mainly my family and close friends. I would dare not to even think about giving anything close to an advice to someone I just met, or colleagues that I don't really know much about their lives.
when it comes to work, while each sector could have very different context, the human side of things will likely have common patterns we can find across the board.
btw, is there an occasion that you have offered advice to others but you rather not had done so?
(if there is only one unsolicited advice i could give, it would be to focus on what you have control over no matter what situation you are in. )
I think that for many topics (e.g., work, family, friends) there are patterns of behaviour that we may or may not be able to relate to. Either way, we may feel that have something to offer to a conversation and this can lead to giving advice. And to answer your question of whether I have ever given advice and realised that I had rather not done so - yes. The first thing that comes to mind is related to students and in teaching. There are, obviously lots of different factors at play in a teaching setting, but there are have been plenty of occasions when I have given advice to a student when it would have been more appropriate just to listen. How about you?
Loved this, Sarah! A gentle nudge to zip it unless asked, lesson received. Thanks for the share!
Thanks Deborah for your kind words. I just hope that I haven't put everyone off from giving me advice 🤣
As a therapist myself, I did laugh a few times. But duly noted! 🤣
It's hard to give people advice, even when you truly know what's best for them. Why can't you just accept that other people have a much better idea of what you should be doing than you do? 😜 Kidding of course. All the therapy will be done by chatgpt soon anyway, so you're better off avoiding it.
Haha yes! I do have a better idea of what you should be doing - that is certainly what runs through my mind on occasion when chatting to people 🤣
I saw some data the other day in the news that indicated that more people are using AI for friendship and for seeking therapy than for anything else right now (not sure where the sample was from or who collated it). And while I can see some of the merits of an AI therapist in a triage sense, but I am skeptical about whether it could replace humans. I am here to be proven wrong!