A call-out for anyone interested in sharing their thoughts on their own meaning of home, and the first part in a series about moving abroad and having no clue WTF I was doing
Obviously I love everything about this. For me, I think an additional lense has been as a self-employed person. It’s taken me three years to stop looking back and to own being where I am. Once I did this, I started opening doors to new opportunities here. Language and adjusting from city to country living has been the biggest transition. Then threw in a third pregnancy for good measure. Oh - and going from founder of an agency employing my husband to then switching roles as he takes an external job and I have a major work pivot. I feel like I’m in a new life.
Thanks Lucy - I appreciate you sharing your thoughts. And because you are self-employed (whereas I have always had a job 'to go to'), it brings a really different perspective to this. It's wonderful to hear that you feel like you are in a new life, but I totally relate to the fact that it takes time to get there!
I am going to save your entire contribution here in a document and I am looking forward to putting some posts together. It is definitely a long-term project though 😆 However, if something changes and you would prefer for me not to quote you directly, please let me know (but I will be in touch too in advance of things going out).
When I was wrestling with Misfortune Cookie, there were many times when I thought the theme of the whole thing was HOME. You gotta have a theme, memoir writers, what's your themeeee!?
So, I'm struck by our similarities and how much I dig this series. I also can't ignore the fact that I've been in Hawaii, where I was born and raised, for the last few weeks, but I keep referring to Cambodia as home. But home is also about the people, and Hawaii, I feel will be home forever because my mom is here. When she passes, will Hawaii still be home? I contemplate that and truly fear that it will not. But I also believe in having many homes!
Thanks Lani, and I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts here (I was hoping that you would too!). And yes haha! We gotta have a theme!
Like you, there’s a part of me that wonders whether I will think of the UK in the same way once my parents pass away. I like to believe that my home town will always be my home, with or without the people that I know and love there, but will it really?
what was like for you growing up in the UK Sarah? I am curious to know, and what was it in your mind that you are pretty certain you won't be back and live there? since I grew up here in HK, this place IS my identity with the history, language, culture, and all that. My wife and I actually brought our two kids to London in 2022 but we decided to move back home last summer, partly we overestimated ourselves as parents to raise the kids on our own (they were 2yo and 5-month-old when we board the plan), and partly all our families and friends are still here, so what home means is easier for us coz this is where the people we love the most are. and when you are here in a place far away from your "home", how do you see yourself as a person? i am sure the city has changed you as well since you arrived in 2017. what make you wanna stay and even think of this place as your new home?
Thanks Franco, really interesting to hear that you moved to London but decided to move back to Hong Kong. Some of my friends with kids in the UK have said to me that they find things challenging when it comes to childcare because of the high cost of this, and so they rely on family and other friends. I don't have kids, so I am saying that with no personal experience!
I know that I was incredibly fortunate growing up how I did and where I did. I had/have supportive family and close friendship networks, but something never sat right for me about living in my home town forever. I did consider moving to London, but that didn't work out. And when I was offered a job abroad (in Spain), I jumped at the chance. Although there are many things that I wish that I thought about more before making that decision. Hindsight is 20-20.
I recently got my PR here and so that's probably what started some of the thoughts about belonging and home. And you're right, it has changed a lot since I arrived.
A long-winded response to your kind words, but I agree with you, home is definitely about the people we love and spending time with them.
and it's great you were in before 2019 so you knew what it was before that, what happened on the streets, and the drastic change that came afterward. i hear you when you mentioned about the things that we wish we could consider, evaluate, or think-them-through before jumping at the chance, and what's counterintuitive is that past lessons won't really help or they are not relevant to the future in front of us, even thought we wish they were. one thing I have learned is that while we try to be that rational being and make the most calculated decisions that yield the optimal results, reality is a lot messier and emotional. We all have feelings and we fail to account it in the equation. Or, this is even a wrong frame of mind when we use our rational brains to assess intuition and ever-changing emotions of ours that are all tangled in our decisions in real life. but ya, I am glad you are here and think of this place as your home!! so, welcome home!
Thank you Franco - such lovely words and sentiment! And you're exactly right, reality is so much messier and emotional than we believe it is!
So perhaps that's why when we reflect on some past decisions that we have a tendency to rationalise and consider: "Did we really make the best decision?" But I guess that we made the best decision with the information (emotional and less-so) that we had at the time.
Hey - I'm a little late to the party here but have been thinking about home a lot myself recently and earlier this month shared a piece exploring the homes I have lived in across the last 30 years, and what I'm taking from each of those experiences as I look to buy my first home with a partner 😊
Hi Lauren thanks for sharing your piece! I will take a look as I am always interesting in learning more about how people navigate 'home' and 'belonging' throughout their lives (I can see from your post that you cover this).
I am in the process of putting a post together and aiming to publish in the next couple of weeks, are you ok if I directly quote you? I will ensure that I add appropriate citations.
Hi, I just found your post through the lovely Lucy Werner's newsletter. Though I haven't moved abroad, home feels like a big thing for me at the moment because I gave up my career so that I could come home. I was a surgeon in a super niche specialty. There are no jobs local to where I live. I commuted to another region >2hrs drive away for 14 months (having to rent a flat there because of a requirement to be resident within 15 miles of the hospital for on calls. When that fixed term post ended, I decided not to apply to the next job, as that was >5 hours drive. I knew that I didn't really want to have to relocate my family, and wherever I managed to get a job I'd have to live there. Home for me is in the village where I've built a life with my husband and two small children. Where we have a village of friends who we chat to, spend evenings with, have cake in the afternoon when we get the chance, take the children to the park, and have slotted in to the community here in the 7 years we've lived here. Until we moved here, I always said home was Yorkshire. Being from Yorkshire is almost a sense of identity. But here in this lovely house in a rural Nottinghamshire village, I've come home.
Hi Louise! And really glad that you have contributed here via Lucy's fabulous newsletter.
Gosh that drive sounds not just long but taxing, emotionally and physically, and being a surgeon too! I imagine that your working hours were incredibly long, which didn't give you a huge amount of time to settle, despite having a flat during the week.
As well as your family, you have a wider network and community in your village, which are things that are definitely coming through from the comments that have been shared here.
Ps - I am from Notts and the countryside is gorgeous!
Ohh I love this! I married an American (I'm Canadian), lived abroad for almost a decade (we lived in China for about 8 years) and "home" is honestly a strange concept to me. Even though now I'm a dual US/Canadian citizen and live in the US, I don't feel quite at home here. Part of it is was I as struggling when I started out self-employed and didn't have much support around me. And mainly a lack of community even after I felt more settled. I also want some of the "comforts" like access to good Chinese restaurants and other resources like community centers I don't have in this particular city. We are moving north eventually to be closer to family, so that might help? 🤷🏻♀️
Thanks Sarah for your feedback. The idea of comforts rings true for me too. I think even if we move somewhere radically different from where we grew up (unless perhaps, someone moved frequently), there will always be the stuff, both tangible and intangible that help to connect us to a part of our shared histories.
And that's really interesting that you will eventually move. I am curious, is the idea of being closer to family the primary driver behind this?
I think food feels huge for me mostly because of the memories tied to my "home" growing up. And being closer to family is a big driver, as is the desire for a location that offers more opportunities to build a community. I know it's nuanced for everyone (and drafting a post on it soon), but there comes a point where your environment or neighborhood no longer feels like somewhere where you can be healthy, physically and mentally.
We’re about to move to Oman from the UK for my husband’s job. We moved to Portugal from the UK in 2018 and stayed there for 3 fabulous years. That initial move taught me lots of lessons about moving with kids but the key thing was really that it doesn’t matter where home is, because home is people not bricks and mortar (for me anyway!)
Really happy to hear that you had a wonderful time in Portugal. It's a place that I've never visited but would love to at some point.
You're so right, it's the people that make somewhere a home (or not!). I certainly remember from when I moved to Spain (my international move) that I often felt lonely, but I didn't really make much of an effort to socialise. Although the job at the time was pretty stressful too.
Hello Sarah! I found you via wonderful Lucy Werner. This topic is close to my heart, and something I think about, talk about a lot with friends and family. I was born in London, to Punjabi Migrant parents, and lived and worked there for most of my life, till I married my American born, Czech / Indonesian heritage husband who was raised in Germany, and now we have a multi-heritage son, and we live in Bavaria, where we moved to in 2017. I often think of home in context of identity. Since moving, my sense of home has been totally turned upside down, and I've been striving to re-define it and forge a new relationship with it. 8 years into living in Germany, I'm still not sure if this 'feels' like home (is home a feeling?) and yet I have a child who has known no-where else. So is my home where his home is? And what does home mean with regards to a sense of self? Do I feel 'at home' when I'm around 'my people' - what does that even mean? How do I find my people in a new place? Language connection, a sense of understanding of a culture and its history - all these things shape how connected we feel to a place, but the idea of home remains something hard to articulate.
Finding my place here feels a lot like a slow, long labour - but finally feeling like birthing a new life is happening.
Hi Raj, thanks for getting in touch via Lucy's shout-out! Really appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts here.
I am curious, can you see you and your family living anywhere else?
I feel that I get asked this question a lot (especially seeing as my husband and I are from different countries too and met in Asia). And I keep replying with "Hong Kong is my home". But then I still call the UK my home, too. I think that confuses some people. And the occasionally, they will say: "Well, you won't be in HK forever!"
Similar to you, I think of home in terms of identity and certainly things like language, history and culture play such an important part in how define ourselves and how connected we may feel to a place. But I agree, I find that I struggle to find the right words for concepts like 'belonging' and 'home'. Perhaps, as you highlight, it's a long process of defining and redefining about what a place and the people mean, and how things 'fit'.
Can I see myself living anywhere else? Thats a GOOD question! Right now - no. This place really seems to serve our life stage, and kid's needs better than London ever could. There is so much here that works practically, and that is hard to let go of!
I also call the Uk 'home' and I feel at home there in a way I don't feel here, but I am home-making here, not there, and that challenge is with me daily. I reside here, I am slowly rooting here, and don't see myself moving for the time our son is in school, but I fantasise about being back in my East London flat sometimes. But I know its a part of my life I have to let go of, because that person is not longer me! Sometimes I think we just need to fully grieve and let go of the old life to be fully present in the new one. And to be honest, the new one is pretty great.
Belonging and Home are fluid things! I like that distinction that you made there.
Do you see yourself staying in HK 'forever'? Do you see yourself in any other place?
That's such a great point! The person that you we were at a certain stage of our lives is no longer true for now. I wonder if that's why I have a strange sense of detachment when I am in the UK... You've really got me thinking! 🤔
I do see myself being in HK for some time, my husband and I have roots now in many respects. A year or so ago, we did talk about a possible move to the US but for various reasons we have decided against that for now (both push and pull factors).
Ah, one of my favorite topics, and one I've pondered throughout my life. I am American, born and raised an expat in Saudi Arabia for my first 13 years. Then, off to boarding school in the U.K. for 5 years, followed by college in the U.S. I've lived in the U.S. since I graduated, but it's been a life defined by international travel and cultural adaptations. As a result, I learned to code switch at a young age and am basically a hybrid of cultures/lifestyles/curriculums—a third culture kid. I've seen a lot of the world, which I'm grateful for. The flip side to a global upbringing is that I feel as if I've left bits of myself everywhere I've been; I've thought of so many places as home, but I have a hard time imagining staying in any one place forever. When people refer to their "roots," I have difficulty relating to this feeling or concept.
Thanks Maria - I was hoping that you would be able to contribute to this given your experiences.
The idea of cultural adaptations is really interesting. Things like code-switching in terms of my behaviour is something that I have noticed more and more the longer than I am out of the UK. Would you say that this is something that you also consciously think about during an interaction or something that you consider afterwards? For me, I am a little less aware of it until after the fact, but I am trying to notice when I am doing it too! Perhaps at it's most basic level, I talk differently when I am in the UK, a lot more slang and my Midlands accent becomes more pronounced.
And when you say that you've left bits of yourself behind, how does that feel? I ask this because I remember that you said that you in the UK a short while ago. Did it feel like you were at 'home'?
Sorry lots of questions! Don't feel that you need to respond!
I love the questions! I love the one about code-switching. I think you're right; I don't really notice it until it's happening, and often after the fact, but it's incredible how quickly it kicks into gear, like muscle memory. Speech, definitely. After 5 years in the UK, my accent didn't change much, but intonation and word choice were heavily influenced; old patterns registered very quickly when I was there in September. It was never a language barrier, obviously, but one learns quickly how to make a conversation and interaction more efficient. When in Rome!
And now I'm so curious about how you and your husband's speech is affected by each other!
Similarly, in Saudi Arabia, I learned without much instruction to temper what might be acceptable Western behavior in a contrasting cultural environment.
As for returning to places where I have lived, I do think it's like returning home, in a sense, to whatever version of myself occupied that space. When I visited the UK, I was reminded of so many memories from such formative years, knowing that living on another continent does not discount the memories we attach to certain places.
Clearly I have lots of thoughts on this topic!😂 Looking forward to how your exploration unfolds.
Thanks Maria, there has been some wonderful feedback so far. I am going to try and include as many comments/reflections as I can in future posts. Perhaps this is where some skills from my masters will come in handy for analysing comments!
Your comment about Saudi Arabia has reminded me of a few things, but in particular how important it is to be sensitive to different cultures and social norms (and laws). Here in Asia, 'face' is very important. This was impressed on me when I first moved out here, it is incredibly disrespectful to cause someone to 'lose face'. I would imagine that there is something similar in places like Saudi Arabia.
Also, I imagine that with your experiences of having lived in several countries that you have a whole vocabulary that you have picked up e.g., my American husband and I still learning new words and phrases from one another about stuff (again, mostly slang). And we've been together for nearly 10 tens 🤣
💯 on slang! And social/cultural references too. Sometimes my husband will refer to something random, like a jingle from a commercial (or advert!) from the 80s, and I have no idea what he's talking about because I didn't live in the U.S. until the mid-90s.
Absolutely on cultural norms and laws. Living in an expat community created a slight buffer; some rules on dress and social behavior were bent, but as soon as we left the gates of that compound in the desert, all those considerations had to be taken seriously.
I think this thread has cracked open how I define "home." Quite simply, it's where I feel a sense of belonging. For me, it's been an global trail of places, but the idea is the same on a local or international scale. As an adult, returning to some of these places and/or reuniting with people I knew from that place or time in my life reignites that feeling.❤️
I have had many homes in several countries. Each place was right for a season in my life. For growth, adventure or nurturing. I gained a lot - but lost, too. Especially the closeness of relationships with friends and family. I don't regret anything. But I think about it a lot.
Hi Lisa - I am definitely going to quote you on this (if that's ok?): "Each place was right for a season in my life." What a superb way of describing this. I don't regret any of my moves, I feel lucky that I have been able to experience different places and cultures.
Like you, I think about this area a lot so thank you for adding your thoughts here!
Am late to the party on this one. I was on home visit in Singapore when you published this. The questions you posed - I have been wrestling with that for years, since 2019 and not wanting to make a decision to stay where I am (Sweden) or go home (Singapore) all this time until last month April.
I have lived abroad for the last 25 years which is close to half of my existence on this planet. But I have not felt at home in the countries I lived and not put in much effort to integrate, even if my partner of 23 years is local to the region we live in now.
Home for me is a feeling of comfort: the kind where I feel I can rest without having to exert effort to feel at ease. The closest feeling to this that I can replicate is taking a luxurious hot shower. It consists of people that I know, enjoy being with that I can be with regularly face to face without too much hassle and effort, and in their company, they enjoy being with me too. Surrounded by people who are comfortable with us just being, not having to do something every time.
Every time at the end of my home trip in the last 10 years, I have felt increasingly sad about getting onto the plane. While I feel physically comfortable living in Sweden, there's been an increasing knawing empty feeling and it's the feeling of not being part of the every day lives of people I care about. That's what I missed when I hear my colleagues talk about the trips and visits they have with their children, parents, nieces, nephews, and siblings. I miss having a social life where I get to meet new and "old" people and where people are game for meeting up socially without too much pre-booking (spontaneous).
So after avoiding not making a decision, I arrived at: it's time to go home. My partner will stay.
That’s a huge decision, and I can tell it’s one that has taken a great deal of time to think about (as you indicate), but had an emotional impact over that period. So thank you for sharing it here. I’m not sure how often you travel to Singapore, but I would imagine that after living away for 25 years, each time you have visited has left a mark in its own way. And I appreciate the idea of home feeling like a luxurious hot shower. That makes a lot of sense to me!
Unfortunately, I’ve been already written the post and it’s set to be published today! But thank you again for sharing your experiences here. If you get a chance to read it, I’d be curious to your thoughts.
This reflection on home and the sense of home deeply resonates with me on so many different levels.
The first level is growing up across cultures. I was born and raised in France in a multicultural family—mostly Italian heritage, but also Turkish. In the '90s and early 2000s, growing up in the suburbs of Paris, there were fewer multicultural families than there are now, and that shaped my experience.
Then, in 2009, I moved to the UK, which had a profound impact on my sense of home. I was happy to leave the place where I grew up because I felt I couldn’t fully be myself or have my voice heard. This wasn’t about Paris as a city, but more about my upbringing and family dynamics. Yet, many years later, I still often feel like an outsider—sometimes I embrace it, but other times, it really frustrates me.
I arrived in the UK in 2009 and then moved to London in 2010, where I started working in an investment bank. Early on, I realised that world didn’t align with my true identity, but it gave me valuable experience. I embarked on a professional identity quest, which I fully embraced in 2017–2019 when I found what I was meant to be doing—working with people.
Another significant journey around home has been motherhood, which began in 2019. I have two little ones—my eldest is only five—so I’m still learning. Motherhood has been a journey of rediscovering myself, embracing this new identity while navigating insecurities and triggers that arise.
All of this has led me to reflect deeply on home and belonging. In 2021, I launched @the Belonging Project Podcast to explore different perspectives on belonging and our varied journeys.
This topic is very present in my life, and I’d love to continue the conversation—whether that’s answering questions, collaborating, or simply sharing more reflections.
The concept of identity is something that I keep returning to, so I am glad that we share this! Perhaps it is something that we all feel at some level, too... it's an eternal human quest where if we are to understand home and belonging, it's really about understanding ourselves (too deep? Haha!).
I am not a parent myself, but from having spoken to friends (both male and female) who have children, they say similar things to what you have shared here - it's a new journey about rediscovering themselves.
Nevertheless, it is a subject I think a lot about, too. And everyone's experiences are so different! It's fascinating from an anthropological perspective.
Obviously I love everything about this. For me, I think an additional lense has been as a self-employed person. It’s taken me three years to stop looking back and to own being where I am. Once I did this, I started opening doors to new opportunities here. Language and adjusting from city to country living has been the biggest transition. Then threw in a third pregnancy for good measure. Oh - and going from founder of an agency employing my husband to then switching roles as he takes an external job and I have a major work pivot. I feel like I’m in a new life.
Thanks Lucy - I appreciate you sharing your thoughts. And because you are self-employed (whereas I have always had a job 'to go to'), it brings a really different perspective to this. It's wonderful to hear that you feel like you are in a new life, but I totally relate to the fact that it takes time to get there!
I am going to save your entire contribution here in a document and I am looking forward to putting some posts together. It is definitely a long-term project though 😆 However, if something changes and you would prefer for me not to quote you directly, please let me know (but I will be in touch too in advance of things going out).
Call on me / it whenever. I have a lot of thoughts on this. Maybe if I write something imminently there is a gem there too.
When I was wrestling with Misfortune Cookie, there were many times when I thought the theme of the whole thing was HOME. You gotta have a theme, memoir writers, what's your themeeee!?
So, I'm struck by our similarities and how much I dig this series. I also can't ignore the fact that I've been in Hawaii, where I was born and raised, for the last few weeks, but I keep referring to Cambodia as home. But home is also about the people, and Hawaii, I feel will be home forever because my mom is here. When she passes, will Hawaii still be home? I contemplate that and truly fear that it will not. But I also believe in having many homes!
Thanks Lani, and I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts here (I was hoping that you would too!). And yes haha! We gotta have a theme!
Like you, there’s a part of me that wonders whether I will think of the UK in the same way once my parents pass away. I like to believe that my home town will always be my home, with or without the people that I know and love there, but will it really?
what was like for you growing up in the UK Sarah? I am curious to know, and what was it in your mind that you are pretty certain you won't be back and live there? since I grew up here in HK, this place IS my identity with the history, language, culture, and all that. My wife and I actually brought our two kids to London in 2022 but we decided to move back home last summer, partly we overestimated ourselves as parents to raise the kids on our own (they were 2yo and 5-month-old when we board the plan), and partly all our families and friends are still here, so what home means is easier for us coz this is where the people we love the most are. and when you are here in a place far away from your "home", how do you see yourself as a person? i am sure the city has changed you as well since you arrived in 2017. what make you wanna stay and even think of this place as your new home?
Thanks Franco, really interesting to hear that you moved to London but decided to move back to Hong Kong. Some of my friends with kids in the UK have said to me that they find things challenging when it comes to childcare because of the high cost of this, and so they rely on family and other friends. I don't have kids, so I am saying that with no personal experience!
I know that I was incredibly fortunate growing up how I did and where I did. I had/have supportive family and close friendship networks, but something never sat right for me about living in my home town forever. I did consider moving to London, but that didn't work out. And when I was offered a job abroad (in Spain), I jumped at the chance. Although there are many things that I wish that I thought about more before making that decision. Hindsight is 20-20.
I recently got my PR here and so that's probably what started some of the thoughts about belonging and home. And you're right, it has changed a lot since I arrived.
A long-winded response to your kind words, but I agree with you, home is definitely about the people we love and spending time with them.
and it's great you were in before 2019 so you knew what it was before that, what happened on the streets, and the drastic change that came afterward. i hear you when you mentioned about the things that we wish we could consider, evaluate, or think-them-through before jumping at the chance, and what's counterintuitive is that past lessons won't really help or they are not relevant to the future in front of us, even thought we wish they were. one thing I have learned is that while we try to be that rational being and make the most calculated decisions that yield the optimal results, reality is a lot messier and emotional. We all have feelings and we fail to account it in the equation. Or, this is even a wrong frame of mind when we use our rational brains to assess intuition and ever-changing emotions of ours that are all tangled in our decisions in real life. but ya, I am glad you are here and think of this place as your home!! so, welcome home!
Thank you Franco - such lovely words and sentiment! And you're exactly right, reality is so much messier and emotional than we believe it is!
So perhaps that's why when we reflect on some past decisions that we have a tendency to rationalise and consider: "Did we really make the best decision?" But I guess that we made the best decision with the information (emotional and less-so) that we had at the time.
Hey - I'm a little late to the party here but have been thinking about home a lot myself recently and earlier this month shared a piece exploring the homes I have lived in across the last 30 years, and what I'm taking from each of those experiences as I look to buy my first home with a partner 😊
https://laurenkatepowell.substack.com/p/journeying-though-homes-past-present
Hi Lauren thanks for sharing your piece! I will take a look as I am always interesting in learning more about how people navigate 'home' and 'belonging' throughout their lives (I can see from your post that you cover this).
I am in the process of putting a post together and aiming to publish in the next couple of weeks, are you ok if I directly quote you? I will ensure that I add appropriate citations.
Hi, I just found your post through the lovely Lucy Werner's newsletter. Though I haven't moved abroad, home feels like a big thing for me at the moment because I gave up my career so that I could come home. I was a surgeon in a super niche specialty. There are no jobs local to where I live. I commuted to another region >2hrs drive away for 14 months (having to rent a flat there because of a requirement to be resident within 15 miles of the hospital for on calls. When that fixed term post ended, I decided not to apply to the next job, as that was >5 hours drive. I knew that I didn't really want to have to relocate my family, and wherever I managed to get a job I'd have to live there. Home for me is in the village where I've built a life with my husband and two small children. Where we have a village of friends who we chat to, spend evenings with, have cake in the afternoon when we get the chance, take the children to the park, and have slotted in to the community here in the 7 years we've lived here. Until we moved here, I always said home was Yorkshire. Being from Yorkshire is almost a sense of identity. But here in this lovely house in a rural Nottinghamshire village, I've come home.
Hi Louise! And really glad that you have contributed here via Lucy's fabulous newsletter.
Gosh that drive sounds not just long but taxing, emotionally and physically, and being a surgeon too! I imagine that your working hours were incredibly long, which didn't give you a huge amount of time to settle, despite having a flat during the week.
As well as your family, you have a wider network and community in your village, which are things that are definitely coming through from the comments that have been shared here.
Ps - I am from Notts and the countryside is gorgeous!
Ohh I love this! I married an American (I'm Canadian), lived abroad for almost a decade (we lived in China for about 8 years) and "home" is honestly a strange concept to me. Even though now I'm a dual US/Canadian citizen and live in the US, I don't feel quite at home here. Part of it is was I as struggling when I started out self-employed and didn't have much support around me. And mainly a lack of community even after I felt more settled. I also want some of the "comforts" like access to good Chinese restaurants and other resources like community centers I don't have in this particular city. We are moving north eventually to be closer to family, so that might help? 🤷🏻♀️
Thanks Sarah for your feedback. The idea of comforts rings true for me too. I think even if we move somewhere radically different from where we grew up (unless perhaps, someone moved frequently), there will always be the stuff, both tangible and intangible that help to connect us to a part of our shared histories.
And that's really interesting that you will eventually move. I am curious, is the idea of being closer to family the primary driver behind this?
I think food feels huge for me mostly because of the memories tied to my "home" growing up. And being closer to family is a big driver, as is the desire for a location that offers more opportunities to build a community. I know it's nuanced for everyone (and drafting a post on it soon), but there comes a point where your environment or neighborhood no longer feels like somewhere where you can be healthy, physically and mentally.
Hmm very true, when a place changes or we change that's when it can become unhealthy for sure. Will look forward to reading your piece, too.
We’re about to move to Oman from the UK for my husband’s job. We moved to Portugal from the UK in 2018 and stayed there for 3 fabulous years. That initial move taught me lots of lessons about moving with kids but the key thing was really that it doesn’t matter where home is, because home is people not bricks and mortar (for me anyway!)
Hi Carolyn, thanks for getting in touch.
Really happy to hear that you had a wonderful time in Portugal. It's a place that I've never visited but would love to at some point.
You're so right, it's the people that make somewhere a home (or not!). I certainly remember from when I moved to Spain (my international move) that I often felt lonely, but I didn't really make much of an effort to socialise. Although the job at the time was pretty stressful too.
Good luck with the move to Oman!
Hello Sarah! I found you via wonderful Lucy Werner. This topic is close to my heart, and something I think about, talk about a lot with friends and family. I was born in London, to Punjabi Migrant parents, and lived and worked there for most of my life, till I married my American born, Czech / Indonesian heritage husband who was raised in Germany, and now we have a multi-heritage son, and we live in Bavaria, where we moved to in 2017. I often think of home in context of identity. Since moving, my sense of home has been totally turned upside down, and I've been striving to re-define it and forge a new relationship with it. 8 years into living in Germany, I'm still not sure if this 'feels' like home (is home a feeling?) and yet I have a child who has known no-where else. So is my home where his home is? And what does home mean with regards to a sense of self? Do I feel 'at home' when I'm around 'my people' - what does that even mean? How do I find my people in a new place? Language connection, a sense of understanding of a culture and its history - all these things shape how connected we feel to a place, but the idea of home remains something hard to articulate.
Finding my place here feels a lot like a slow, long labour - but finally feeling like birthing a new life is happening.
Hi Raj, thanks for getting in touch via Lucy's shout-out! Really appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts here.
I am curious, can you see you and your family living anywhere else?
I feel that I get asked this question a lot (especially seeing as my husband and I are from different countries too and met in Asia). And I keep replying with "Hong Kong is my home". But then I still call the UK my home, too. I think that confuses some people. And the occasionally, they will say: "Well, you won't be in HK forever!"
Similar to you, I think of home in terms of identity and certainly things like language, history and culture play such an important part in how define ourselves and how connected we may feel to a place. But I agree, I find that I struggle to find the right words for concepts like 'belonging' and 'home'. Perhaps, as you highlight, it's a long process of defining and redefining about what a place and the people mean, and how things 'fit'.
Can I see myself living anywhere else? Thats a GOOD question! Right now - no. This place really seems to serve our life stage, and kid's needs better than London ever could. There is so much here that works practically, and that is hard to let go of!
I also call the Uk 'home' and I feel at home there in a way I don't feel here, but I am home-making here, not there, and that challenge is with me daily. I reside here, I am slowly rooting here, and don't see myself moving for the time our son is in school, but I fantasise about being back in my East London flat sometimes. But I know its a part of my life I have to let go of, because that person is not longer me! Sometimes I think we just need to fully grieve and let go of the old life to be fully present in the new one. And to be honest, the new one is pretty great.
Belonging and Home are fluid things! I like that distinction that you made there.
Do you see yourself staying in HK 'forever'? Do you see yourself in any other place?
That's such a great point! The person that you we were at a certain stage of our lives is no longer true for now. I wonder if that's why I have a strange sense of detachment when I am in the UK... You've really got me thinking! 🤔
I do see myself being in HK for some time, my husband and I have roots now in many respects. A year or so ago, we did talk about a possible move to the US but for various reasons we have decided against that for now (both push and pull factors).
Ah, one of my favorite topics, and one I've pondered throughout my life. I am American, born and raised an expat in Saudi Arabia for my first 13 years. Then, off to boarding school in the U.K. for 5 years, followed by college in the U.S. I've lived in the U.S. since I graduated, but it's been a life defined by international travel and cultural adaptations. As a result, I learned to code switch at a young age and am basically a hybrid of cultures/lifestyles/curriculums—a third culture kid. I've seen a lot of the world, which I'm grateful for. The flip side to a global upbringing is that I feel as if I've left bits of myself everywhere I've been; I've thought of so many places as home, but I have a hard time imagining staying in any one place forever. When people refer to their "roots," I have difficulty relating to this feeling or concept.
Thanks Maria - I was hoping that you would be able to contribute to this given your experiences.
The idea of cultural adaptations is really interesting. Things like code-switching in terms of my behaviour is something that I have noticed more and more the longer than I am out of the UK. Would you say that this is something that you also consciously think about during an interaction or something that you consider afterwards? For me, I am a little less aware of it until after the fact, but I am trying to notice when I am doing it too! Perhaps at it's most basic level, I talk differently when I am in the UK, a lot more slang and my Midlands accent becomes more pronounced.
And when you say that you've left bits of yourself behind, how does that feel? I ask this because I remember that you said that you in the UK a short while ago. Did it feel like you were at 'home'?
Sorry lots of questions! Don't feel that you need to respond!
I love the questions! I love the one about code-switching. I think you're right; I don't really notice it until it's happening, and often after the fact, but it's incredible how quickly it kicks into gear, like muscle memory. Speech, definitely. After 5 years in the UK, my accent didn't change much, but intonation and word choice were heavily influenced; old patterns registered very quickly when I was there in September. It was never a language barrier, obviously, but one learns quickly how to make a conversation and interaction more efficient. When in Rome!
And now I'm so curious about how you and your husband's speech is affected by each other!
Similarly, in Saudi Arabia, I learned without much instruction to temper what might be acceptable Western behavior in a contrasting cultural environment.
As for returning to places where I have lived, I do think it's like returning home, in a sense, to whatever version of myself occupied that space. When I visited the UK, I was reminded of so many memories from such formative years, knowing that living on another continent does not discount the memories we attach to certain places.
Clearly I have lots of thoughts on this topic!😂 Looking forward to how your exploration unfolds.
Thanks Maria, there has been some wonderful feedback so far. I am going to try and include as many comments/reflections as I can in future posts. Perhaps this is where some skills from my masters will come in handy for analysing comments!
Your comment about Saudi Arabia has reminded me of a few things, but in particular how important it is to be sensitive to different cultures and social norms (and laws). Here in Asia, 'face' is very important. This was impressed on me when I first moved out here, it is incredibly disrespectful to cause someone to 'lose face'. I would imagine that there is something similar in places like Saudi Arabia.
Also, I imagine that with your experiences of having lived in several countries that you have a whole vocabulary that you have picked up e.g., my American husband and I still learning new words and phrases from one another about stuff (again, mostly slang). And we've been together for nearly 10 tens 🤣
💯 on slang! And social/cultural references too. Sometimes my husband will refer to something random, like a jingle from a commercial (or advert!) from the 80s, and I have no idea what he's talking about because I didn't live in the U.S. until the mid-90s.
Absolutely on cultural norms and laws. Living in an expat community created a slight buffer; some rules on dress and social behavior were bent, but as soon as we left the gates of that compound in the desert, all those considerations had to be taken seriously.
I think this thread has cracked open how I define "home." Quite simply, it's where I feel a sense of belonging. For me, it's been an global trail of places, but the idea is the same on a local or international scale. As an adult, returning to some of these places and/or reuniting with people I knew from that place or time in my life reignites that feeling.❤️
I have had many homes in several countries. Each place was right for a season in my life. For growth, adventure or nurturing. I gained a lot - but lost, too. Especially the closeness of relationships with friends and family. I don't regret anything. But I think about it a lot.
Hi Lisa - I am definitely going to quote you on this (if that's ok?): "Each place was right for a season in my life." What a superb way of describing this. I don't regret any of my moves, I feel lucky that I have been able to experience different places and cultures.
Like you, I think about this area a lot so thank you for adding your thoughts here!
Hi Sarah - no problem, please do. I’m glad it resonated for you. We obviously have a lot in common - I feel very lucky, too!
Thanks for sharing, Jeffrey!
Am late to the party on this one. I was on home visit in Singapore when you published this. The questions you posed - I have been wrestling with that for years, since 2019 and not wanting to make a decision to stay where I am (Sweden) or go home (Singapore) all this time until last month April.
I have lived abroad for the last 25 years which is close to half of my existence on this planet. But I have not felt at home in the countries I lived and not put in much effort to integrate, even if my partner of 23 years is local to the region we live in now.
Home for me is a feeling of comfort: the kind where I feel I can rest without having to exert effort to feel at ease. The closest feeling to this that I can replicate is taking a luxurious hot shower. It consists of people that I know, enjoy being with that I can be with regularly face to face without too much hassle and effort, and in their company, they enjoy being with me too. Surrounded by people who are comfortable with us just being, not having to do something every time.
Every time at the end of my home trip in the last 10 years, I have felt increasingly sad about getting onto the plane. While I feel physically comfortable living in Sweden, there's been an increasing knawing empty feeling and it's the feeling of not being part of the every day lives of people I care about. That's what I missed when I hear my colleagues talk about the trips and visits they have with their children, parents, nieces, nephews, and siblings. I miss having a social life where I get to meet new and "old" people and where people are game for meeting up socially without too much pre-booking (spontaneous).
So after avoiding not making a decision, I arrived at: it's time to go home. My partner will stay.
That’s a huge decision, and I can tell it’s one that has taken a great deal of time to think about (as you indicate), but had an emotional impact over that period. So thank you for sharing it here. I’m not sure how often you travel to Singapore, but I would imagine that after living away for 25 years, each time you have visited has left a mark in its own way. And I appreciate the idea of home feeling like a luxurious hot shower. That makes a lot of sense to me!
Unfortunately, I’ve been already written the post and it’s set to be published today! But thank you again for sharing your experiences here. If you get a chance to read it, I’d be curious to your thoughts.
This reflection on home and the sense of home deeply resonates with me on so many different levels.
The first level is growing up across cultures. I was born and raised in France in a multicultural family—mostly Italian heritage, but also Turkish. In the '90s and early 2000s, growing up in the suburbs of Paris, there were fewer multicultural families than there are now, and that shaped my experience.
Then, in 2009, I moved to the UK, which had a profound impact on my sense of home. I was happy to leave the place where I grew up because I felt I couldn’t fully be myself or have my voice heard. This wasn’t about Paris as a city, but more about my upbringing and family dynamics. Yet, many years later, I still often feel like an outsider—sometimes I embrace it, but other times, it really frustrates me.
I arrived in the UK in 2009 and then moved to London in 2010, where I started working in an investment bank. Early on, I realised that world didn’t align with my true identity, but it gave me valuable experience. I embarked on a professional identity quest, which I fully embraced in 2017–2019 when I found what I was meant to be doing—working with people.
Another significant journey around home has been motherhood, which began in 2019. I have two little ones—my eldest is only five—so I’m still learning. Motherhood has been a journey of rediscovering myself, embracing this new identity while navigating insecurities and triggers that arise.
All of this has led me to reflect deeply on home and belonging. In 2021, I launched @the Belonging Project Podcast to explore different perspectives on belonging and our varied journeys.
This topic is very present in my life, and I’d love to continue the conversation—whether that’s answering questions, collaborating, or simply sharing more reflections.
Hi Fiorenza,
The concept of identity is something that I keep returning to, so I am glad that we share this! Perhaps it is something that we all feel at some level, too... it's an eternal human quest where if we are to understand home and belonging, it's really about understanding ourselves (too deep? Haha!).
I am not a parent myself, but from having spoken to friends (both male and female) who have children, they say similar things to what you have shared here - it's a new journey about rediscovering themselves.
Nevertheless, it is a subject I think a lot about, too. And everyone's experiences are so different! It's fascinating from an anthropological perspective.