Your thoughts on home and belonging
#2 in a mini-series: 'A Brit Abroad'
In early April, I put a call-out for contributions from readers about their thoughts on the meaning of home. Thank you to everyone who read the post, shared it, and a special thanks to those who responded:
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When I first started to review the feedback, I realised that I needed some time to sit with the comments and my thoughts. There was a ‘story’ to what had been shared, but it took me a little while to figure out how to tell this. Fortunately, there were some common themes that emerged that helped the process, notably; the role of culture (including: food, traditions, language and a shared history); our sense of community; and the influence of different life stages.
Here, I have summarised the feedback linked to these themes. To do this, I did go into full on geek-mode and employed a few data analysis strategies from my recent postgraduate degree in psychology (qualitative data, spreadsheets, and lined coding—oh my! BTW, I loved doing this). In short, this piece has more of an academic tone, which deviates from the other things that I share here at TBOI.
Academic tone or not, I hope that you enjoy what the contributors shared, and I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments!
Culture
Culture is such a funny word to pin down, right?
When I think about what culture means to me, I could quite easily ramble on for ages, but fortunately, there is a working definition that I am going to paraphrase (APA):
There are the specifics like food, language, and customs that are observable, but the term also refers to behavioural characteristics and values that can be passed down through the generations, as well as our shared identities such as ethnicity, sexual orientation, and socioeconomic status.
All of the respondents had different experiences of adjusting to a new culture, and several explicitly referenced language in their comments (Lucy, Franco, Raj, Maria). Furthermore, Maria, who is American but grew up in the Middle East and in the UK touched on ‘code-switching’, where a person adjusts their language and behaviour to fit in with people or a particular setting:
“I don’t really notice it until it’s happening, and often after the fact, but it’s incredible how quickly it kicks into gear, like muscle memory. After five years in the UK, my accent didn’t change much, but intonation and word choice were heavily influenced.”
The code-switching was something that struck me as being linked to the values that are passed down within cultures. For example, Maria also referenced her experiences of respecting social norms in relation to behaviour and dress while living in Saudi Arabia. (In Asian cultures, there is something called ‘face’ where you respect another person’s dignity and avoid embarrassing them, particularly in social situations).
Like Maria, several contributors have direct experiences of different cultures. For example, Raj grew up in a Punjabi household in the UK and has an American born husband with Czech/Indonesian heritage, and they now live in Germany with their son. Raj felt that she thought of “home in the context of identity”:
“Since moving, my sense of home has been totally turned upside down, and I’ve been striving to re-define it and forge a new relationship with it.”
Also, Raj pointed out that some of those more observable aspects of culture such as language and a shared history all help to shape how connected we are to a place.
Community
The contributors sense of community was an important factor in how they felt about their concept of home and sense of belonging, with family as one of the most cited groups as supporting this. For example, Franco shared that after deciding to move to London with his wife and two young children in 2022, they decided to return to Hong Kong in 2024 partly because: “this is where the people we love the most are.” (Franco was also referring to friends, but I will come to this later).
For 14 months, Louise spent a large part of her day commuting for work in her role as a surgeon. But once the fixed term post ended, she decided to give up her career so that she could “come home” and spend more time with her family. I really enjoyed reading how Louise described some of the connections that she had developed with this decision:
“Home for me is in the village where I’ve built a life with my husband and two small children. Where we have a village of friends who we chat to, spend evenings with, have cake in the afternoon when we get the chance, take the children to the park, and [we] have slotted into the community.”
Sarah is a dual citizen (US/Canadian) has lived in China and is currently based in the US. She indicated that certain “comforts” such as community centres can help people feel at home, especially if family are not based nearby. Yet, a feeling of belonging can be nuanced:
“ […] there comes a point where your environment or neighbourhood no longer feels like somewhere where you can be healthy, physically and mentally.”
The nuance we may experience in relation to our community and connections that we have was echoed by Fiorenza, who was born and raised in France and has Italian and Turkish heritage (personal note here - all of my favourite cuisines!). In 2009, she moved to the UK and said this had a “profound impact” on her sense of home:
“I was happy to leave the place where I grew up [France] because I felt that couldn’t fully be myself or have my voice heard.”
And there was something else that Fiorenza said that has stuck with me since:
“I still often feel like an outsider—sometimes I embrace it, but other times, it really frustrates me.”
Besides family, several contributors indicated that their friends helped with a feeling of home and belonging (Franco, Raj, Lisa, Lauren). There is the saying that friends are our chosen family, and perhaps this is more significant when we choose to move somewhere without immediate family support.
Life Stages
The final theme that emerged was the impact of different life stages on the meaning of home.
Lucy was the founder of a PR and branding consultancy firm based in London, before moving to France with the co-founder of their children. As well as finding the move from city to country living as the “biggest transition”, she has since had her third baby and gone through a “major work pivot”. Now, Lucy is self-employed, is an author and provides personalised branding/PR services and workshops, as well as writing her newsletter: Hype Yourself. She outlines some of the influences that these changes have had on her outlook on life in France and beyond:
“It’s taken me three years to stop looking back and to own being where I am. Once I did this, I started opening doors to new opportunities here.”
Lucy was not the only contributor to highlight the significance of her relationship of home to different life stages. Lani was born and raised in Hawaii and now lives and works in Cambodia. On a recent trip to Hawaii, Lani said that she viewed it as her “home forever” because her mum is there. But she questioned whether it would still be home when her mum passes.
Something else that struck me about the links between life events and the contributors’ experiences was the ability to adapt to new environments, where new jobs and parenting led to a degree of introspection about home and belonging. For example, Fiorenza made a decision to embark on a “professional identity quest” after realising that her career in investment banking wasn’t working for her anymore. And Carolyn noted that her family’s initial move to Portugal three years ago taught her “lots of lessons about moving with kids but the key thing was really that it doesn’t matter where home is, because home is people”.
Conclusions
A thread running throughout the feedback was that the concepts of home and our sense of belonging can shift depending on our personal circumstances and environment. In essence, they refer to something tangible (i.e., a building, a town), but the underlying attachment that we have to a place is conceptual such as our memories, relationships and behaviours. Thus, the notions of home and belonging are dynamic. This point was illustrated through a piece of writing shared by Lauren. Currently, she is looking at buying a property with her partner and is excited about them having shared furniture, and particularly a new sofa:
“The sofa welcomes you with open arms after a long day. On it, in it, you can find comfort alone, and share good times with company.”
For many contributors, there appeared to be a fine line for when it comes to ‘feeling at home’ somewhere. Franco summarised this when he said that we may attempt to make rational decisions (for example, about where we might live) that aim to “yield optimal results [but] reality is a lot messier and emotional.” (I can relate!). This point also reminded me that in some cases the decision about where we establish a home, or even how we live may not be in our hands.
Finally, as exemplified in the final theme Life Events, timing was also an important factor in the consideration of home and belonging. And here, I wanted to wrap up with a contribution from Lisa, which felt right on point:
“I have had many homes in several countries. Each place was right for a season in my life. For growth, adventure or nurturing. I gained a lot—but lost, too.”
Couldn’t have said it better myself.
Best,
Sarah
Hi, I’m Sarah! The Best of Intentions is an independent publication about Hong Kong, travel, work, culture, health/fitness, along with a sprinkle of psychology. It’s my personal blog, basically. If you like this post, consider liking or sharing it. If you are a regular reader please consider subscribing to receive updates and support my writing.
Great summary of reflections here Sarah, and thank you for including a snippet from me!
I like the research approach/influence! ☺️
Isn't it interesting how the words home and belonging have become intertwined? Because they are different! Hawaii is home, and I will always belong there, but I obviously didn't feel that way enough to stay. I felt a sense of belonging when I was visiting, but at the same time, I knew it was temporary. Not sure if that makes sense...